Trying is Hard.

I’m trying this new thing in which I am attempting not to care what others think of me.
I’ll admit, though, after several years of fully entertaining the habit, it’s a hard thing to quit.

One of my close personal friends told me today that I have this self-image that I’m a “sheltered, innocent, upper- class little white girl”, and that it’s a well-known fact throughout the family that I’ve always had this inflated view of myself. As a matter of fact, it’s apparently SO well-known that when spoken about, it’s funny to everyone, and they all just say, “Oh, that’s Lisa”, like I’ve been reduced to a catchphrase.

I can see how at one point, I truly may have been looked at this way, because #1, I was pilled out all the time, selfishly not thinking about anyone but myself, and #2, I used to steal REALLY EXPENSIVE stuff, then parade around in it like I really bought it.

But that was the old Lisa. The new Lisa hardly ever buys clothes for herself anymore, drives her Granny’s ’89 Buick, and has absolutely no problem running to the corner gas station in her pajamas to buy cheap Moscato and/or cigarettes.

I guess my real problem with it is that I am forced to realize that because I consciously made stupid decisions for so long, it is one of those sad consequences that I must now accept…but that doesn’t mean it can’t be changed. I just hate reminding myself that it’s really gonna take some time for people to trust me and see me as a good person again. I want it to happen now, but that’s sadly not how it works. You lose people’s trust, it naturally takes some time to earn it back. I feel like I am on my way, though…and I guess in the end, that’s really all that matters, right?